PSALM 32 | "I SEE YOU, CHILD"

“Lord I confess that I’ve been a criminal

I’ve stolen your breath and sang my own song

And Lord, I confess that I’m far from innocent

These shackles I wear, oh, I bought on my own 

Scarlet sins had a crimson cost

You nailed by debt to that old rugged cross

An empty slate, at the empty grave

Thank God that stone was rolled away! 

Lord, I confess I’ve been the prodigal

Made for Your house, but walked my own roads

Then Jesus came and tore my prison walls

Death came to life when HE CALLED BY NAME” 

Never did I believe the most painful call of my life was the beginning of my own end. Never did I believe the greatest grief was where I would experience the closeness and goodness of The Father. Never did I believe my dad's death would be the moment that saved my life. It was this moment that God’s goodness and grace covered me and brought His daughter back home.

I spent a decade running and chasing the prize – popularity, status, finances, materialism – and every single chase left another gaping hole. 

Born and raised in the church, I was the classic example of a “Christian”, little did I know had I died in that season, I would have stood at Heaven’s gates to hear the words “Depart from me” (Matthew 25:41). Listen to me and read these words a dozen times over – I was a faithful church goer, a faithful servant, could tell you scripture, won awards for memorizing verses, walked the life, but was not a Christian. I had not placed my life in the hands of the Father and I certainly hadn’t surrendered at His feet. Rather, I found myself chained to sin, filing for divorce, running from any speck of truth I had “memorized”. 

I was lost in about every way and place possible and landed on the urge in my heart to get away from the city and go rest - something I hadn’t done in, well I am not sure how long. I reached out to a friend who offered her lake house and said, “stay as long as you need”. 

The morning I left, a dear friend handed me a book authored by John Elmore. While driving, I began listening to the audio version and point after point I felt “this is me, this is me, this is me too.” Arriving, I walked in and wasn’t sure what the next hours and days were going to look like – but the Sovereignty of the Father had every second already authored. 

Let me paint the picture for you. I had just lost my dad. I filed for divorce from a husband I was so angry at. I had believed every last one of Satan’s lies about my worth. I had gaping holes in my heart, and the one person who I felt like I could talk to about it, was dead. I screamed and yelled at God – in many ways I felt just like David, writing the Psalms in such anguish and pain, begging for God to “show up for him”. 

Someone once told me when praying, say a single word and then sit and EXPECT God to speak. It is the following moments I will never forget. Screaming, I mean screaming at God, I collapsed on the ground. I had been listening to the Psalms being read aloud through my headphones and Psalm 31 began and I just began to weep. 

“In you, Lord, I have taken refuge; 

let me never be put to shame; 

deliver me in your righteousness.

Turn your ear to me,

Come quickly to my rescue;

Be my rock of refuge,

A strong fortress to save me.

…Into your hands I commit my spirit;

Deliver me, Lord, my faithful God.”

I stood up, walked to the lake and began confessing every last one of my sins out loud to God. One after the next, I felt the weight of each chain drop, and then the next, and then the next.  In that moment I knew He truly cared for me and saw the pool of shame I sat in and in that moment forgave me and knew my sin no more. 

I stood and walked 50 yards, trembling, and said “Joe” (my husband) and in the clearest whisper, He answered, “stay”. You can imagine my initial response – “no chance”. This man had left me, had fed so many of Satan’s lies…there just was no way. 

This day changed my entire life.

I share the depths of my sin and brokenness to reveal the glory and depths of God’s grace. This isn’t about me or my strength, but of the Father’s strength, mercy, and wisdom. This is assurance that He is good, faithful, and steadfast in coming after His children, despite their ridiculousness and hurt. There is hope that whatever it is you are going through, He is working and refining YOU for a greater purpose – one that shows His goodness and forgiveness. 

The next several months were not easy. I went searching for answers and what to do next. I found myself bound in between sour advice and judgement. I found myself having to make choices that would result in me ridding absolutely everything, out of obedience. I found the story of Prodigal Son to be true, but also recognizing the consequences of my sins were not going to just up and leave. 

A month before, I landed my tail in a counselor's office (a professional Christian Counselor), begging for help and what to do next and how to get free. It was months of counseling before I could even string a sentence together without sobbing. It was a steadfast study of scripture – I will provide some tips and tricks for this. It was setting alarms on my phone three times a day reminding me to armor up because the enemy CERTAINLY wanted me to sit in a prison of thoughts, but God would remind me daily, I was free. 

After God told me to “stay”, I made a phone call to Joe, told him I was putting the divorce on pause and wanted to take time to do nothing but run after our individual relationships with Christ. 

Eight weeks later, we talked and to this day I have the postcard sitting in my Bible with a list of things that GOD was teaching BOTH of us. From Exodus to Deuteronomy, to 1 Peter, God had been revealing the SAME truths to both of us – I can’t even write that sentence without being filled with goosebumps feeling and knowing the deep love of the Father. 

Then, came the instructions to pack my car and go to Michigan. I had absolutely no idea what that was going to look like. I shoved clothes, my two dogs and a gun in the car and ventured home with one of my best friends. 

I want to pause right here and say to those reading this who feel trapped and fear what will come next, GOD IS THE AUTHOR AND PERFECTER. He sees you; He knows you by name. In the same way Jesus said, “pick up your mat” to the lame man, He gives us the SAME invitation BUT we must make the choice to stand up. The choice to get in that car and drive away from the chains was one of the moments God allowed my choice to walk in HIS freedom or stay bound to the roots of sin that had led me to a dark place. So, hear me, in His strength you can find healing and redemption. Get support from SOLID Biblical counsel. Find people who lead with The Spirit, not holding your shame and guilt over your head. Dig in deep to scripture. Find a church, return to the church – open your heart and let’s go! 

Over the next several months, God proved himself faithful, yet again. He reconciled two hearts that were so cold toward each other. He took an absolute shattered mess, two separate lives, and redeemed them for HIS GOOD. One of the things I feel necessary to say is this, God was faithful in restoring our marriage, but THAT is not why we say He is faithful – because He is faithful even if Joe and I never saw each other again. I feel like so often we hold this “Faithfulness Meter” that rises and falls based on life’s circumstances and not on the FACT that God sent His Son to cover our debt that we could never cover. 

Joe and I see our marriage as a gift and a supplement to the faithfulness of the Father. We see our marriage and brokenness as stitched back together for the sole purpose of writing a story that shows zero human power and only the power of Him. I say this, because some reading this may never see a reconciled marriage, may see chronic disease that takes their or a loved one's life and I want you to hear, God is STILL faithful BECAUSE of the cross. 

And THIS is why we’ve launched Sow Tears and Be Interruptible. In my story, and the story of so many others, we often must sow tears to reap joy. We must be willing to hear God say, “stay” and let Him interrupt every one of our plans and lay them at His feet. 

This journey has just begun and I am thankful for each of you who have spent time reading and listening. We look forward to this adventure with you! 

Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine – Isaiah 43:1

Author: Christie Myers